


Healing

by MachineryField



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Post-Game(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Future Connected, Pre-Slash, Self-Reflection, This fic is like step 1 of 6000000 to romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29284458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MachineryField/pseuds/MachineryField
Summary: Egil and Shulk take the first steps towards healing.
Relationships: Egil/Shulk (Xenoblade Chronicles)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> I'm fucking lvoe Shegil still hi

Shulk flinches away when Egil reaches out to smooth a piece of his hair, and Egil finds himself saying nothing. Instead, he lets his arm drop to his side and turns back to his own work, pretending it simply never happened. Pretending that the flinching wasn’t a sign of how Shulk really felt.

“Egil.” Shulk speaks, voice soft and shaking. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“I understand.” Egil replies, voice curt. “After all that has happened, I cannot expect you to be fine with me touching you.”

He’d held Shulk’s head in his hands, thought for a moment of crushing it to paste then and there, not too long ago. He wonders to this day why he didn’t -- was he afraid of Zanza rising from the ashes? No, the Apocrypha would have made that impossible at the time. Had he been holding onto some foolish hope Shulk could escape the clutches of the curse? Perhaps, but if that was the case, he hadn’t realized until now.

He grips the edge of the table hard enough that his knuckles strain, he pushes the thoughts back. Drowns them out the same way he drowns out all the memories of years past -- alone with the screams and pain of those he once loved.

“Egil.” Shulk’s hand is on his arm now. “Egil, deep breaths.”

Egil knows Shulk is repeating the same things Vanea has told him to repeat when he gets like this, but that doesn’t mask how uncertain his touch is. Egil shrugs the hand off and turns further away, curls in more on himself.

“I need to be alone, Shulk.” His voice is tight with emotions not even he fully comprehends. “Please.”

Shulk reaches out for a moment, before pulling his hand back to his chest. “Of course, I’ll… leave you to it, then.”

When he leaves, Egil lets himself fall apart once again.

\--

Shulk has nightmares about Egil sometimes. About the hand around his head squeezing until there’s nothing left. About the Monado cleaving through his neck and bringing the curse to its completion. He notices the trend of death, of either himself or Egil, and he wonders if it's a sign of some sort.

A sign they aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives, despite the way Shulk wants to fight against that. All they went through… They share a pain, but is that enough, he wonders? Enough for them to be able to truly connect?

He wants to think there is enough, under all of that. He wants to believe the two of them can forge a friendship stronger than their traumas. He’s already seeing signs of what lies within Egil -- his similar passions and joys. Shulk wants to share more of that, to share more than just their pain.

He lays awake and decides he needs to find a way to move past some of this. He’s not sure what to do about the dreams of cleaving his head clean off, but he supposes there’s something he can do about the other one.

He wants Egil to touch him.

\--

Shulk places Egil’s hand against his chest and Egil finds himself not understanding. He notices all the small things, the hesitance and the fear that flashes in his eyes, and yet he does it anyway. He holds it there and looks up at him, voice soft.

“Do you feel my heart beating?”

Egil nods numbly. “It’s speeding. You’re afraid.”

“But I’m alive, too.” Shulk replies, his voice so soft. “We didn’t die, neither of us did. I’m still alive, even though you could have killed me…”

Egil isn’t sure if he’s saying that for his sake or his own, but he nods again, no words coming to mind. He leaves his hand where Shulk placed it and feels the heart. It still beats quickly, but it slows a bit, with time. Shulk’s hands leave Egil’s arm, and Egil keeps his hand against his chest.

“You’re alive.” He finally mumbles out. “Afraid, but alive.”

“That’s right.” Shulk’s smile isn’t forced, not fully, but it still makes Egil want to flinch away. “See? We can… build from this. As long as we’re both alive, we can work up from this place.”

Egil sighs. “Why?”

“Why?” Shulk blinks. “What do you mean?”

“Why do you want better? You stopped me, you understood my pain. You did all you had to do.” Egil’s voice is rising in volume with each word. “Why are you pushing yourself further? You don’t have to do anything else, just let me live and face what I have done.”

“I don’t want to leave you on your own.” Shulk replies, eyes soft and full of pain. “You’ve been alone for so long, Egil. I don’t want you to be alone anymore.”

Egil feels his throat constrict. He’s been so used to being alone, he realizes. So used to having no one who truly understood, that he’s not sure what it’s like to let someone in anymore. Not sure what it’s like for someone to care so deeply that they push past their own pain for his sake.

“Shulk.” His voice cracks and no other words follow -- he cannot find the right words to say. “Shulk…”

“It’s okay.” Shulk places his hand over Egil’s, the heartbeat slowing more by the moment. “It’s okay to not be alone, Egil.”

\--

Shulk can’t sleep, and he doesn’t think he wants to. Not right now. If he does, he knows he’ll see the same thing -- Egil’s head falling to the bottom of Mechonis Core. He doesn’t want to see that -- doesn’t want the control of Zanza hanging over him.

That’s why he decides to make another Monado -- one fashioned like that of Zanza, but with his own flares. Its own little quirks that make it separate from anything the god had made or ever would have made. Something his own -- something to make the nightmares go away.

He wants to look at Egil without thinking of his head falling from his shoulders. He doesn’t want to remember how willing he had once been to kill him -- willing to kill the only voice crying out against Zanza. Willing to kill a man who had everything taken from him so long ago.

It’s the last thing he wants now -- now he wants to rehabilitate, help Egil find a place to stand again. A place to stand with others, no longer alone. If the Monado Replica EX is the first step towards that, well… he supposes that’s fine.

He’ll be there every step of the way, no matter how ugly, after all.


End file.
